i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
