i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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