She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
