I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
