singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
