I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
