I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
