roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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