if i can run in heels then i can drive
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
