textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
