I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
