after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
