yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
