Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
