Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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