My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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