All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize