My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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