I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
