Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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