i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Houston, we have a blender
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
