The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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