My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
