It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Quick, to the slutcave!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
