I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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