I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
