seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i think i have two assholes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
