Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
