I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize