Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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