When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
