idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
