Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
