Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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