I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
