The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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