jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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