I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
