he wants to bone in the snuggie
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
