She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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