spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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