the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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