maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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