not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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