im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
