My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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