Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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