You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
