Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
