Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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