well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
