You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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