He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
