wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You can't just leave with hair like that
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
