um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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