11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
