finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
