If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
