When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You can't motorboat a personality
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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