I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just want to make out with him forever
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
