I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
