can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
