He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
