she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
