I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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